Saturday, December 30, 2017

2017-A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year

I am not going to sugarcoat it, 2017 made Alexander's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day look like a cakewalk, plus my very bad day was 363 days long! 2017 is the year that I would like to forget. I don't even want a re-do. No amount of money or promises of fame would make me change my mind, no sir, not even a little bit. I was planning to ring in 2017 with my new hubby and much hope for the future. I was sure that everything I longed for was just on the other side of midnight. I was so ready for the positive changes I just knew were coming.

I won't go into the dispiriting details of everything that happened as it would take another full year and I have every intention of leaving 2017 far behind in 27 hours and counting. What I will divulge are just a few instances from this year that will gladly be tossed into the sea of forgetfulness.

I have longed for stability for most of my life and thought I had finally found it in the summer of 2016. Life was good. However, the stability I thought I had found began and ended so quickly that I am not even sure that it actually happened. I suppose I thought I could find stability in another person and I kinda "put all my eggs in one basket" as the saying goes, with a rekindled past relationship. I just knew that this was going to be the best year with my new, blended family. I was so excited about the possibilities. That abruptly changed New Year's Eve day 2016. It came out of the blue with no warning and there was no fixing it or going back. I didn't even make it into 2017.  I should have known better. If it is to good to be true, then go with that, because it is. Relationships have always been a challenge for me. Possibly due to my extreme independence, the fact that I rearrange the house constantly (especially when stressed) or simply because the only cooking I do involves a can opener, microwave and a bowl. All I can tell you is that when it comes to relationships I have not had much success. So, after what seemed like a lifetime of being a single mom I thought I would give it another try.  He had been a single Dad for many years as well. I think we were both thinking Brady Bunch. Even the Brady Bunch lasted longer.  Unfortunately it was a painful lesson learned in patience (or the lack of) and how to quietly change your relationship status on Facebook without the "world" noticing and asking why. Needless to say, I failed in both.


In 2012 I founded a nonprofit for middle/high school students on the Autism Spectrum. The nonprofit, Richmond Autism Integration Network, was created while sitting in Hampton Roads Bridge Tunnel traffic in 2011. If you are familiar with this experience then you will know that traffic through this tunnel can last for quite some time, in this instance 3 hours and 17 minutes. From RAIN's inception until my resignation in June 2017 this charity had been my baby.  I had the privilege of not only watching it grow from 8 kids the first summer to 300 by my last summer, I also had the opportunity to meet some awe inspiring families and work with some really talented and amazing co-workers. All sounds great right? Sometime during 2016 I started to become weary. RAIN was my heart but as we grew we were still lacking in some really important areas. Trying to wear so many hats was becoming strenuous and I was just beat. RAIN consisted of very long days, almost 24/7 with little help or pay. I was tired, burned out, frustrated, financially strapped and needing a change. I became careless with business decisions, not intentionally but careless none the less. I knew that it was time to move on but I did not want to give up. I would say that a little bit of pride, no actually a lot, got in the way. I felt like if I told the others that I could not continue with RAIN any longer then I was letting them down and that I had failed. Even though we had grown every year, it still was not enough for me to feel successful. The mistakes I made became visible to all of us in the spring of 2017. I was beyond embarrassed and quickly became very defensive. I became angry with everyone, my co-workers, my family and especially myself. I was hurt and I hurt those closest to me with harsh words and quick judgement knowing deep down that it was my own mistakes, personal hurts and pride that were getting in the way. I have never felt so sorry or felt more alone than I did then. If there was anything I could have changed in 2017 it would be the way I handled this. Sometimes I wish I could just whiteout and start again....

In many ways I would say that 2017 was a year of much loss. Relationships dissolved, RAIN moved on without me and I lost my beloved Sarge, my big, 160 lb black & tan coon hound mixed with only God knows what. I adored this boy and I miss him like crazy. There will never be another Sarge. I also lost my friend Brad to cancer. I can not even begin to describe how I felt when I got the call. We had been friends since we were teenagers. He was truly one of a kind. He was funny and so smart. He read people like a book. His wisdom was way beyond his years. I still find myself looking for his texts.

And to top it all off, I got Shingles! Ugh! Worst. Pain. EVER. I kid you not, I wanted to jump off a bridge. Giving birth to a 12 lb baby was way less painful (but that is a story for another day!).

These were just a few of the events that occurred in the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days of 2017. I am sure as you have read this post you have said to yourself surely there was something good in 2017? Even one thing? Well, my oldest son married his bride in April which means I gained a daughter, which is very cool! I got to see my all time favorite band, the Backstreet Boys, play in Charlotte, NC, plus my daughter and I got to see her favorite band, Why Don't We perform, as well as meet them! (We did not want to come back to Richmond, seriously, we wanted to become groupies and just follow the bands. Why Don't We, keep your eyes and ears on those guys!) Other than that, nope, not that I can recall...

As New Year's Eve day approaches (in 3 hours and 52 minutes) I will be casting each hurt into the past. I will be letting go of this dull, continuous ache. I feel as though everything that I needed to be expunged from my life has been exposed and now I can let it go. The insecurities, the inability to say "no", the need to please everyone and take care of everyone, the feeling of never being good enough, all end this year, today. I choose to move into 2018 with a clean slate. I choose to take my time with big decisions, approaching them with fervent prayer, I choose to use my creative talents in an area that serves others wherever that may be (as long as I don't have to be the boss!), I choose to love others and to be there beside them, NOT fixing everything for them, I choose to forgive others and to forgive myself, I choose to take the time I need for me which means stopping to read a book or take a road trip or just do nothing, I choose to spend more time with the Lord and in His Word because I realize that He is the one stable thing in my life. But most of all, I choose to forget the hurt and the pain and more importantly, I choose to remember what it taught me.

Here is wishing you a wonderfully blessed New Year. I am expecting mine to be awesome!

Robin




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