Friday, April 20, 2012

Reflections of My Father

I have never imagined my life without my Father in it, ever. I guess like many people I just took it for granted that he would always be right there for me, no matter what. As I sat in the hospital waiting room today with a slowly ticking clock and fast paced people, I found myself reflecting on my childhood with the first man that I have ever loved, my Dad. I was adopted as infant in 1964. Back then adoption agencies tried very hard to match adoptive parents with children that shared similar characteristics. When the Childrens Home Society matched me with my Dad they could not have made a better match. We both had thick wavy brown hair and the same nose. We are both quite opinionated, always enjoying a good debate at the family meal. We both love animals, love to read, love to learn, love the Lord and love our family. Unlike me, however, he doesn't like to show his feelings, but you can always look into his blue eyes and know exactly how he feels. I remember the long conversations we had when I was just a little girl of maybe five or six. I used to sit on the commode lid in the bathroom and watch my Dad as he shaved. I am sure we discussed deep things like all fathers and daughters do. Caterpillars, butterflies, puppy dogs and daydreams, we covered it all. As I grew older he participated in just about everything I did. I remember looking out into the audience when we had our school play and there he would be with my mom, looking as proud as a Dad could. Father-Daughter dances at school, trips to the beach, sitting with him in the recording booth at church on Sunday where he recorded the service for those who could not attend, reading together, working in the yard together, my first real date...Ahhh yes, that first real date. I will never forget the sadness in his eyes. I think he was realizing that his little girl was growing up. That was hard for him and me. I have always been a Daddy's girl and quite proud of it. I have always been so proud of my Dad. He taught me many things. Most importantly he introduced me to and taught me to love the Lord. He instilled in me his morals and values which have indeed served me well. As I reflected I became very aware of time and just how short it truly is. I was remembering us, my Dad and me, as if it were just yesterday. He is still the most handsome man I have ever known. His hair is still thick and a beautiful silver gray. His wit is just as sharp and he still knows how to make me smile just like he did when I was a tiny girl. He has always been my biggest fan, encouraging me, offering words of wisdom and giving big hugs that only he can give when I needed them the most. I wondered what he thought about today as he headed for surgery this morning. I wondered if he knew that I was praying for him, asking God to guide the hands of the surgeons and to perform a miracle on his ailing heart. My Dad made it through the surgery but still has a long way to go. I did not want to leave him in the Cardiac ICU alone but the nurses made me go home. Right now I am grieving for all the time I have missed as an adult with my Dad. I just took it for granted that he would always be here and suddenly, today, I was rudely awakened by the fact that he is human. My Dad, my hero, is human. I wish I had played tennis with him back when I was younger and he wanted to so much, but I was to busy. I wish that I had stopped by the house more just to say hello. I have realized today that things have to change in my life and in this world. We move to fast. We want bigger and better. We need to make more, buy more, go more..Not this girl. Nope. I quit. I want to live comfortably, trusting God and enjoying my family. Time is to short. I want to be with my kids, my Dad, the ones that I love. No more rat race, no more overtime, no more rushing... Please God, just a little more time...


  1. I pray that you will have more time in this world with your Dad, Robin... Thank you for sharing your reflections.

    In Christ's love, Susan

  2. Once again, beautiful post. I read this last week but didn't have a moment to reply. I understand how you feel, a little more time. I was really too young to think much about it when mom passed. I was 22 and my mom was my very best friend. We were staying with she and my grandmother, working and helping them pay bills. Mom had chatted with me that morning and when I called her to go to lunch with me, she backed out saying she wasn't feeling well. She'd had some macaroni and cheese and was going to take a nap. At 4pm when we were leaving work we got a call that my cousin, EMT, had an ambulance there headed for the hospital, mom in tow. Her bp was too low, o2 low, lips turning blue and couldn't speak above a whisper.

    Very very long story short, they did surgery thinking she was internally bleeding and found nothing. After 8 days she couldn't be moved from ICU to even test for brain function, she'd become too unstable. We allowed her peace. The autopsy revealed she had a rip on her colon and the surgery only caused sepsis and the spread of the infection.

    Spend all the time you can with your family, photograph it all, video if you can. Mom hated photos of herself and usually refused to let us video tape her. I have roughly 3 minutes of video of mom. Few photos. What I have, I treasure. Don't spend it anxious of the what-ifs but excited about the what-could-be. Enjoy it and certainly make the most of everything. :)