Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Friday, April 20, 2012
Reflections of My Father
Sunday, March 4, 2012
"It's Not Over Until It Is Over"
This is a true story. It did indeed happen exactly as written. It is our story and I hope that it will inspire you, lift you up, encourage you and give you hope that no matter where you are in your life, you are not doing it alone...Trust Him!
Part 1 Randy
On the evening of May 26th of this year (2007) I had lost my way. It took 40 years to get to that point but I was at my lowest. I was doubting my worth to my family and friends and really felt they all would be better off without me. What brought me to that point was a lifetime of unresolved issues that had never been dealt with. There was sexual and emotional abuse, abandonment issues and from my earliest memories of childhood I realized that I was different from all the other kids I knew. It wasn’t until late last year that I was found to have Aspberger’s Syndrome. That explained a lot about my behavior but it hit me harder than I expected.
There were a lot of details over the past years that led me to the point I reached on May 26th. Some of them no one should ever have to experience. So I had decided to end my life on that day.
I did not grow up in church and it wasn’t until I met my wife 8 years ago that I really found the Lord, but on May 26th I forgot all about Him. That was until I was ready to take my life. That evening I kissed my wife and kids goodnight then went upstairs and asked God to forgive me for what I was about to do. I then ingested enough ant-freeze to kill myself. On May 27th I had died - twice.
Part 2 Robin
It was Sunday morning, May 27, 2007, about 10 AM. My husband had been violently ill during the night. The last time we spoke was around 3 AM. He said he thought he had the flu. I was fixing breakfast for our children. Our six-year-old son was on the computer. Our three-year-old daughter came from upstairs. She came into the kitchen with concern in her voice. Daddy was sick. I asked her where he was when I heard a thud come from upstairs. Running up the stairs, calling his name as I went, I came to an abrupt halt at our son’s bedroom door. My husband lay sprawled on the floor. He was trying to get up but his body was not cooperating. I kept calling his name as I tried to help him. The look in his eyes told me all I needed to know. Pupils, fixed and dilated, unable to speak, only groan, I knew it was bad. I called 911. It seemed like an eternity. The paramedics arrived. I heard “possible stroke.” I thought to myself, “okay, stroke I can deal with.” I work in a skilled nursing facility and stroke patients were familiar to me. They rushed Randy into an ambulance and sped to Johnston-Willis Hospital. I started calling family and friends to see if someone could watch the children. Everyone was in church, which is where we would have been that Sunday morning. I finally found some close friends who came immediately to pick up the children. I called my mother in law in San Antonio, Texas. “Mom, Randy is on his way to the hospital, they think it might be a stroke.” I told her I would call her from the hospital when I knew more. Still in a state of shock, I headed to Johnston-Willis and I prayed.
Upon my arrival at the hospital, I was escorted into the E.R. by a very kind and understanding nurse. The paramedics were finishing up and standing near Randy’s E.R. room. I could tell by the look on their faces that all was not well. Randy’s room looked like it had been ransacked. Unfamiliar equipment and “tools” were everywhere. The E.R. doctor introduced himself and asked me if Randy drank alcohol. “No” was my reply. He did not drink at all to my knowledge. About this time they were returning Randy from having a CAT scan. I did not recognize this man as my husband. He was pale and lifeless with I.V.’s and tubes and even worse, he was on a ventilator. I knew that being on a ventilator was an indication that he was in critical condition. The E.R. doctor then advised me that Randy had “died” on his way into the hospital and that they had resuscitated him, but it did not look good. I called my mother in law in Texas and I told her “you need to come. I don’t think that the doctor’s think he is going to make it. He is on a ventilator” She was on a plane from San Antonio within the hour. I called our son, Bryan, in Virginia Beach and asked him to come as well. He and his girlfriend Amber packed a few things and headed to Richmond.
Between my phone calls to family members and friends, the nurses and doctors continued to work on Randy, doing every test imaginable. They were kind and comforting, keeping me posted on every move. The E.R. doctor had sent off blood work to MCV earlier in the day and expected the results by 3:00 pm. At exactly 3:02 the activity picked up and machines were rolling into his room. Medical staff surrounded him. Tubes and lines were being placed in his neck. The doctor noticed me standing there and walked over to me. “I am so sorry Mrs. Davis, it is as we suspected. Your husband has tested positive for ethylene glycol poisoning.” “What” I thought. What is that? I do not understand. He explained that Randy had ingested a very large dose of ethylene glycol and that more than likely he would not survive. I went into the room with Randy. I heard that small inner voice say go over and pray in his ear. I listened and I prayed. Then, I cried.
My son and Amber arrived first. The news devastated him. Minutes later his long time friend, Kenny arrived. By now the Nephrologist (Kidney Doctor) was on the scene and not very hopeful. He also was kind but guarded about Randy’s condition. “If he survives, he will probably be on dialysis the rest of his life but his prognosis is not good and his condition, critical.” Randy had been moved to the Atrium ICU. Bryan, Amber, Kenny and I waited.
My son was finally allowed to go see his Dad. I warned him about how Randy would look but you can never really be prepared for something like that. I have never seen Bryan so devastated. It broke my heart to see him in such pain. His emotions were overwhelming. He sobbed, hit the wall and then bent over his Dad and really fussed at him! Randy jumped, the ventilator made a sound I will never forget, and Bryan and I left the room.
Mom arrived next, late in the evening. She had landed in Baltimore Maryland, arriving from San Antonio, and drove the rest of the way. I warned her about Randy’s appearance as well. She made it to the doorway of his room and covered her mouth with her hand. “Oh” was all she could say. Tears rolled silently down her cheeks. My heart broke again.
That night we all slept in the waiting room. Bryan, Amber, Kenny, Mom and me. We talked, we prayed, we consoled each other, we cried. We tried to understand…
Monday-Memorial Day
Randy made it through the night. He was in a coma, on life support and hemodialysis. Mom and I ran home to freshen up, feed the cats and make some calls. I e-mailed Tammy Burns (from Woolridge Church) and let her know what was going on. (The day before the E.R. nurse suggested we call our Pastor. I couldn’t remember the name of our church or even where it was!) Within no time Tammy called. She was so terrific. She offered support and asked if I would like a Stephens Minister. I told her yes, absolutely. Within minutes after my conversation with Tammy, John Williams was calling and getting things in order. Mom and I arrived at Johnston-Willis. She went in to see Randy. I went to the waiting room. Not long after I arrived, Pastor Greg walked into the Atrium waiting room. Kathy, his wife, was in the ICU with mom. Wow, I could not have been more comforted. Pastor Greg and Kathy, Tammy Burns, John Williams, Lynn Marx (my Stephens Minister) and many people I do not even know offered support and prayer that day that has never stopped.
Later that day Bryan and I went to see Randy in the ICU. Iwas so proud of my son as he leaned over his Dad and whispered in his ear "I forgive you Dad." We had talked about this earlier and we knew that we had to forgive him and that if nothing else, Randy knew this. We believed he could hear us...
Tuesday
My father in-law had arrived late Monday. We all took turns going in to see Randy. We all continued to pray and seek God. We found out that day that Randy had suffered a major heart attack.
There was no understanding of why this had happened, but this was about to change. As I sat in the waiting room of the Atrium I heard “Do notbe afraid” in my spirit. It was so loud that I looked around to see if anyone else heard it. It was then that I realized that God had shared with me about four years ago that something was coming. I had been having an intense conversation with Him as I was painting my sisters house. I was asking him about the trivial trials of life that I was experiencing. No one was home at the time but me and I was really questioning Him about my life. He answered me very strongly and in an audible voice “Daughter, I am teaching you how to pray as there will be a trial far greater than you have ever experienced before but do not be afraid for it will all come out to my glory.”
(To pray? I realized for the first time what "pray without ceasing" meant. It does not mean on your knees 24/7. It means conversing with God on all things, whether in your car on the way to work or in the shower or cutting the grass. Keep Him informed and involved, just as we are all doing on Facebook!!)
From the moment that I heard it I had shared this with my sister and my friend Tracy Swineford. Over the years when trials would come up Tracy would say "Do you think this is it? The trial?" and I would always say No. But today, I knew, this was it!! I shared this word of encouragement with Debbie (Mom) and we continued to pray and seek Him.
Wednesday
We had friends in prayer around the clock. People across the United States, literally. Church prayer groups, Nurses in the ICU. It was amazing!! Even though the Doctor’s still said critical condition, prognosis poor, we continued to trust in the Lord for healing, body, mind and spirit. I started to understand and learn about trusting in God no matter what and my own relationship with Him reached a new level.
Thursday
Prayer continued. Mom and I grew stronger. We were excited about what God was doing. The ICU nurses were praying and amazed that Randy was still there. They all felt like they too, were watching a miracle.
The Hospitalist met with us late that day. He was not as optimistic and suggested we take a week to make a decision as to whether or not we should remove Randy from life support. He said the machines were only supporting Randy, that there was nothing more they could do.
Mom and I continued to trust God. That night Randy started waking up.
Friday
That morning I arrived at the hospital. Randy was a little scary. His movement was not purposeful and he seemed to be having a tough time with all of the tubes. I suggested we turn on the 700 Club to drown out the noise of the machines. I told mom, “Watch, there will be someone on the 700 Club that will have experienced the same thing as we are and they will give their testimony. This will confirm Randy’s healing to us.” There were only 20 minutes left on the show and guess what? Sure enough, there was a young girl with the same prognosis, and everything just like Randy! We smiled.
Mom and I went to the waiting room to write in our journals when she opened up her meditation for the day it was entitled “It is not over, until it is over!”
On June 3, my 43rd birthday, we all gathered together and spent a rainy afternoon in prayer for Randy, the hospital staff, the patients and each other. Our friendships and relationships grew stronger. God continued to perform miracles and show us His grace. The most amazing thing to me was when our six-year-old son said his prayers on June 10th. He said, “God, this is Matthew. My Daddy is still sick. Can you make me 12 years old so I can see him?” Matthew knew you had to be 12 to go into the ICU. That Friday, Randy woke up. On Saturday, Randy sat up in a chair for the first time and Matthew was allowed in to see him. God had answered his prayer and he knew it!
Randy continued to miraculously improve daily. On July 7, 2007, Randy came home and on July 8, 2007 we went to church again as a family.
Part 3 Randy
I didn’t have the bright light experience but I did experience very odd things I have yet to make sense of. Then I woke up to the point that I was aware of my surroundings. And my very first thought was that I wanted to go to church. I didn’t know what I had been through from a medical standpoint like treatments or medications, but I knew to the depths of my soul that God was the reason I was alive.
I had literally killed myself yet God had stepped in and said, “I don’t think so”. Having never met my real father it was at this time that I realized I always had a father; I was just looking for the wrong one. My Father isn’t done with me yet and He definitely has a purpose for me that has yet to be revealed. I felt the love of God like I never had before. I truly felt born again. And I felt free and relaxed and cleansed. It was a new beginning and I was a new person.
From a medical standpoint I had total healing. No heart or kidney damage, no dialysis, no neurological damage, nothing.
Then the depth of the miracle continued. For not only had God restored my life but He renewed my Spirit and healed my relationship with my wife and family. We all were blessed with a fresh start. He has allowed me to face and deal with my past. He reminded me that I have a beautiful wife and three beautiful children that love me more than I ever thought possible. And He left me free from guilt and shame. Although I regret the pain I put my family through I thank God for where He has brought me today, and I thank Him every day for it. That is the most amazing thing to come out of all of this; I now have a relationship with God like never before.
Finally, if you don’t believe in the power of prayer and what God can do in your life and you don’t believe He can perform miracles I am living proof that He can and He does.
Conclusion:
There are still so many details, but you get the picture! Our lives have not been perfect since this experience and we never expected them to be. We are still learning and growing daily. Randy and I did divorce in September 2010 only to have God once again step in recently and shower us both with Grace and Healing. He has restored both of our biological families within two weeks of each other! We still have a long way to go as individuals, as parents and as partners but we will continue the walk and continue to TRUST HIM no matter what...'cause its not over, until its over! Be blessed!
Part 1 Randy
On the evening of May 26th of this year (2007) I had lost my way. It took 40 years to get to that point but I was at my lowest. I was doubting my worth to my family and friends and really felt they all would be better off without me. What brought me to that point was a lifetime of unresolved issues that had never been dealt with. There was sexual and emotional abuse, abandonment issues and from my earliest memories of childhood I realized that I was different from all the other kids I knew. It wasn’t until late last year that I was found to have Aspberger’s Syndrome. That explained a lot about my behavior but it hit me harder than I expected.
There were a lot of details over the past years that led me to the point I reached on May 26th. Some of them no one should ever have to experience. So I had decided to end my life on that day.
I did not grow up in church and it wasn’t until I met my wife 8 years ago that I really found the Lord, but on May 26th I forgot all about Him. That was until I was ready to take my life. That evening I kissed my wife and kids goodnight then went upstairs and asked God to forgive me for what I was about to do. I then ingested enough ant-freeze to kill myself. On May 27th I had died - twice.
Part 2 Robin
It was Sunday morning, May 27, 2007, about 10 AM. My husband had been violently ill during the night. The last time we spoke was around 3 AM. He said he thought he had the flu. I was fixing breakfast for our children. Our six-year-old son was on the computer. Our three-year-old daughter came from upstairs. She came into the kitchen with concern in her voice. Daddy was sick. I asked her where he was when I heard a thud come from upstairs. Running up the stairs, calling his name as I went, I came to an abrupt halt at our son’s bedroom door. My husband lay sprawled on the floor. He was trying to get up but his body was not cooperating. I kept calling his name as I tried to help him. The look in his eyes told me all I needed to know. Pupils, fixed and dilated, unable to speak, only groan, I knew it was bad. I called 911. It seemed like an eternity. The paramedics arrived. I heard “possible stroke.” I thought to myself, “okay, stroke I can deal with.” I work in a skilled nursing facility and stroke patients were familiar to me. They rushed Randy into an ambulance and sped to Johnston-Willis Hospital. I started calling family and friends to see if someone could watch the children. Everyone was in church, which is where we would have been that Sunday morning. I finally found some close friends who came immediately to pick up the children. I called my mother in law in San Antonio, Texas. “Mom, Randy is on his way to the hospital, they think it might be a stroke.” I told her I would call her from the hospital when I knew more. Still in a state of shock, I headed to Johnston-Willis and I prayed.
Upon my arrival at the hospital, I was escorted into the E.R. by a very kind and understanding nurse. The paramedics were finishing up and standing near Randy’s E.R. room. I could tell by the look on their faces that all was not well. Randy’s room looked like it had been ransacked. Unfamiliar equipment and “tools” were everywhere. The E.R. doctor introduced himself and asked me if Randy drank alcohol. “No” was my reply. He did not drink at all to my knowledge. About this time they were returning Randy from having a CAT scan. I did not recognize this man as my husband. He was pale and lifeless with I.V.’s and tubes and even worse, he was on a ventilator. I knew that being on a ventilator was an indication that he was in critical condition. The E.R. doctor then advised me that Randy had “died” on his way into the hospital and that they had resuscitated him, but it did not look good. I called my mother in law in Texas and I told her “you need to come. I don’t think that the doctor’s think he is going to make it. He is on a ventilator” She was on a plane from San Antonio within the hour. I called our son, Bryan, in Virginia Beach and asked him to come as well. He and his girlfriend Amber packed a few things and headed to Richmond.
Between my phone calls to family members and friends, the nurses and doctors continued to work on Randy, doing every test imaginable. They were kind and comforting, keeping me posted on every move. The E.R. doctor had sent off blood work to MCV earlier in the day and expected the results by 3:00 pm. At exactly 3:02 the activity picked up and machines were rolling into his room. Medical staff surrounded him. Tubes and lines were being placed in his neck. The doctor noticed me standing there and walked over to me. “I am so sorry Mrs. Davis, it is as we suspected. Your husband has tested positive for ethylene glycol poisoning.” “What” I thought. What is that? I do not understand. He explained that Randy had ingested a very large dose of ethylene glycol and that more than likely he would not survive. I went into the room with Randy. I heard that small inner voice say go over and pray in his ear. I listened and I prayed. Then, I cried.
My son and Amber arrived first. The news devastated him. Minutes later his long time friend, Kenny arrived. By now the Nephrologist (Kidney Doctor) was on the scene and not very hopeful. He also was kind but guarded about Randy’s condition. “If he survives, he will probably be on dialysis the rest of his life but his prognosis is not good and his condition, critical.” Randy had been moved to the Atrium ICU. Bryan, Amber, Kenny and I waited.
My son was finally allowed to go see his Dad. I warned him about how Randy would look but you can never really be prepared for something like that. I have never seen Bryan so devastated. It broke my heart to see him in such pain. His emotions were overwhelming. He sobbed, hit the wall and then bent over his Dad and really fussed at him! Randy jumped, the ventilator made a sound I will never forget, and Bryan and I left the room.
Mom arrived next, late in the evening. She had landed in Baltimore Maryland, arriving from San Antonio, and drove the rest of the way. I warned her about Randy’s appearance as well. She made it to the doorway of his room and covered her mouth with her hand. “Oh” was all she could say. Tears rolled silently down her cheeks. My heart broke again.
That night we all slept in the waiting room. Bryan, Amber, Kenny, Mom and me. We talked, we prayed, we consoled each other, we cried. We tried to understand…
Monday-Memorial Day
Randy made it through the night. He was in a coma, on life support and hemodialysis. Mom and I ran home to freshen up, feed the cats and make some calls. I e-mailed Tammy Burns (from Woolridge Church) and let her know what was going on. (The day before the E.R. nurse suggested we call our Pastor. I couldn’t remember the name of our church or even where it was!) Within no time Tammy called. She was so terrific. She offered support and asked if I would like a Stephens Minister. I told her yes, absolutely. Within minutes after my conversation with Tammy, John Williams was calling and getting things in order. Mom and I arrived at Johnston-Willis. She went in to see Randy. I went to the waiting room. Not long after I arrived, Pastor Greg walked into the Atrium waiting room. Kathy, his wife, was in the ICU with mom. Wow, I could not have been more comforted. Pastor Greg and Kathy, Tammy Burns, John Williams, Lynn Marx (my Stephens Minister) and many people I do not even know offered support and prayer that day that has never stopped.
Later that day Bryan and I went to see Randy in the ICU. Iwas so proud of my son as he leaned over his Dad and whispered in his ear "I forgive you Dad." We had talked about this earlier and we knew that we had to forgive him and that if nothing else, Randy knew this. We believed he could hear us...
Tuesday
My father in-law had arrived late Monday. We all took turns going in to see Randy. We all continued to pray and seek God. We found out that day that Randy had suffered a major heart attack.
There was no understanding of why this had happened, but this was about to change. As I sat in the waiting room of the Atrium I heard “Do notbe afraid” in my spirit. It was so loud that I looked around to see if anyone else heard it. It was then that I realized that God had shared with me about four years ago that something was coming. I had been having an intense conversation with Him as I was painting my sisters house. I was asking him about the trivial trials of life that I was experiencing. No one was home at the time but me and I was really questioning Him about my life. He answered me very strongly and in an audible voice “Daughter, I am teaching you how to pray as there will be a trial far greater than you have ever experienced before but do not be afraid for it will all come out to my glory.”
(To pray? I realized for the first time what "pray without ceasing" meant. It does not mean on your knees 24/7. It means conversing with God on all things, whether in your car on the way to work or in the shower or cutting the grass. Keep Him informed and involved, just as we are all doing on Facebook!!)
From the moment that I heard it I had shared this with my sister and my friend Tracy Swineford. Over the years when trials would come up Tracy would say "Do you think this is it? The trial?" and I would always say No. But today, I knew, this was it!! I shared this word of encouragement with Debbie (Mom) and we continued to pray and seek Him.
Wednesday
We had friends in prayer around the clock. People across the United States, literally. Church prayer groups, Nurses in the ICU. It was amazing!! Even though the Doctor’s still said critical condition, prognosis poor, we continued to trust in the Lord for healing, body, mind and spirit. I started to understand and learn about trusting in God no matter what and my own relationship with Him reached a new level.
Thursday
Prayer continued. Mom and I grew stronger. We were excited about what God was doing. The ICU nurses were praying and amazed that Randy was still there. They all felt like they too, were watching a miracle.
The Hospitalist met with us late that day. He was not as optimistic and suggested we take a week to make a decision as to whether or not we should remove Randy from life support. He said the machines were only supporting Randy, that there was nothing more they could do.
Mom and I continued to trust God. That night Randy started waking up.
Friday
That morning I arrived at the hospital. Randy was a little scary. His movement was not purposeful and he seemed to be having a tough time with all of the tubes. I suggested we turn on the 700 Club to drown out the noise of the machines. I told mom, “Watch, there will be someone on the 700 Club that will have experienced the same thing as we are and they will give their testimony. This will confirm Randy’s healing to us.” There were only 20 minutes left on the show and guess what? Sure enough, there was a young girl with the same prognosis, and everything just like Randy! We smiled.
Mom and I went to the waiting room to write in our journals when she opened up her meditation for the day it was entitled “It is not over, until it is over!”
On June 3, my 43rd birthday, we all gathered together and spent a rainy afternoon in prayer for Randy, the hospital staff, the patients and each other. Our friendships and relationships grew stronger. God continued to perform miracles and show us His grace. The most amazing thing to me was when our six-year-old son said his prayers on June 10th. He said, “God, this is Matthew. My Daddy is still sick. Can you make me 12 years old so I can see him?” Matthew knew you had to be 12 to go into the ICU. That Friday, Randy woke up. On Saturday, Randy sat up in a chair for the first time and Matthew was allowed in to see him. God had answered his prayer and he knew it!
Randy continued to miraculously improve daily. On July 7, 2007, Randy came home and on July 8, 2007 we went to church again as a family.
Part 3 RandyI didn’t have the bright light experience but I did experience very odd things I have yet to make sense of. Then I woke up to the point that I was aware of my surroundings. And my very first thought was that I wanted to go to church. I didn’t know what I had been through from a medical standpoint like treatments or medications, but I knew to the depths of my soul that God was the reason I was alive.
I had literally killed myself yet God had stepped in and said, “I don’t think so”. Having never met my real father it was at this time that I realized I always had a father; I was just looking for the wrong one. My Father isn’t done with me yet and He definitely has a purpose for me that has yet to be revealed. I felt the love of God like I never had before. I truly felt born again. And I felt free and relaxed and cleansed. It was a new beginning and I was a new person.
From a medical standpoint I had total healing. No heart or kidney damage, no dialysis, no neurological damage, nothing.
Then the depth of the miracle continued. For not only had God restored my life but He renewed my Spirit and healed my relationship with my wife and family. We all were blessed with a fresh start. He has allowed me to face and deal with my past. He reminded me that I have a beautiful wife and three beautiful children that love me more than I ever thought possible. And He left me free from guilt and shame. Although I regret the pain I put my family through I thank God for where He has brought me today, and I thank Him every day for it. That is the most amazing thing to come out of all of this; I now have a relationship with God like never before.
Finally, if you don’t believe in the power of prayer and what God can do in your life and you don’t believe He can perform miracles I am living proof that He can and He does.
Conclusion:
There are still so many details, but you get the picture! Our lives have not been perfect since this experience and we never expected them to be. We are still learning and growing daily. Randy and I did divorce in September 2010 only to have God once again step in recently and shower us both with Grace and Healing. He has restored both of our biological families within two weeks of each other! We still have a long way to go as individuals, as parents and as partners but we will continue the walk and continue to TRUST HIM no matter what...'cause its not over, until its over! Be blessed!
Monday, February 20, 2012
The Start of Something New...
Today I begin a new journey! I am so looking forward to see where it takes me. I wish I could tell you that I am heading to some exotic island where the waters are crystal clear and swimming with dolphins is a common occurence or that I have won the lottery and all of my financial concerns have been laid to rest, therefore I am taking all of my family and friends on vacation with me. No, this is a different type of journey. Better than crystal clear waters and swimming with dolphins? Absolutely! This journey will take work though and discipline. The latter will be the challenge for me as anyone that knows me knows I am classic ADHD. All over the page, easily distracted, at least ten different projects spred all over the house and spilling over into the yard, but I am determined to take this journey and savor every minute of it. I do not have to rush around and pack bags nor do I have to board the dog or clean out the refrigerator of perishables. I don't need a passport, money or transportation. This journey, I believe, will open my eyes and my heart to those things I am desperate to understand. I have tried everything else in my own power and it's not working. I am ready to try something new! If I get answers then it was all worth it and if not, then I have lost nothing. Besides, God invited me on this journey. Who am I to turn down such an invitation?
Jeremiah 33:3 says "Call unto me and I will answer thee and show thee great and mighty things." Bet you did not know that God had his phone number listed in his word did you? I called him yesterday as I sat in the bay window of my living room watching my children play in the first, and possibly only snowfall of the winter season here in Virginia. I watched my 11 year old son diagnosed with Autism, Asperger's Syndrome specifically, and my "neuro typical" daughter throw snowballs with the neighborhood kids in the dimly lit snow covered street in front of my house. Their laughter echoed through the neighborhood and I smiled, warmed by the idea that at this moment all were accepted. I asked God why this could not be all the time, I asked him why my son had Autism and why he had not healed him yet, I asked him why my daughter should have to struggle so much, torn betwen protecting her older brother and finding her own place in this world.I asked him why I get so angry at the smallest things these days, why am I so rushed and why I can not seem to find the time to just breathe. He answered me in his own gentle quiet way, just as a Father to his daughter. He asked me to join him on a journey. "There are three requirements for this journey" he said. "First, give me forty days. Nothing more, nothing less. Second, devote time for us to talk and share every day. It matters not what time of day just make sure it is every day. Get deep into my word and I will show you what you seek. Third, write letters to me. Pour your heart out and be who your are."
So today a new journey begins. Have you ever done something like this? I am not sure where this new path will take me, but I am certainly ready for the challenge. I'll be posting my letters and thoughts along the way. Join me in this venture and expect something great from God!
~ Robin
Jeremiah 33:3 says "Call unto me and I will answer thee and show thee great and mighty things." Bet you did not know that God had his phone number listed in his word did you? I called him yesterday as I sat in the bay window of my living room watching my children play in the first, and possibly only snowfall of the winter season here in Virginia. I watched my 11 year old son diagnosed with Autism, Asperger's Syndrome specifically, and my "neuro typical" daughter throw snowballs with the neighborhood kids in the dimly lit snow covered street in front of my house. Their laughter echoed through the neighborhood and I smiled, warmed by the idea that at this moment all were accepted. I asked God why this could not be all the time, I asked him why my son had Autism and why he had not healed him yet, I asked him why my daughter should have to struggle so much, torn betwen protecting her older brother and finding her own place in this world.I asked him why I get so angry at the smallest things these days, why am I so rushed and why I can not seem to find the time to just breathe. He answered me in his own gentle quiet way, just as a Father to his daughter. He asked me to join him on a journey. "There are three requirements for this journey" he said. "First, give me forty days. Nothing more, nothing less. Second, devote time for us to talk and share every day. It matters not what time of day just make sure it is every day. Get deep into my word and I will show you what you seek. Third, write letters to me. Pour your heart out and be who your are."
~ Robin
Thursday, February 16, 2012
God's Gift
Hello God? You there? Yep, me again. Do you have a minute? I recall somewhere in the Bible, Matthew 11:28-30 I believe, where you made a statement that says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Well, here I am, wiped out, emotionally exhausted, totally at a loss and trying very hard to unload all of my frustration onto you. I am definately weary and I am holding you to your word. Are you ready?
Does this have to do with my son? Yes God, this has to do with my son. I know, we discuss him a lot. Yes, I know he is unique and beautiful and amazing. Have you noticed how he pays such close attention to detail? He sees the beauty in life that I almost always miss. If it wasn't for him pointing out the fine hairs on the caterpillar or the brilliant yellow under the wings of a bird or the intricate details in the architecture of our church I would have missed it all completely. He can be so quiet sometimes that I don't even know he is there, but he is always thinking and creating. Yes, I know he was made in your image...wow, I did not know you had AUTISM God! This is the first time you mentioned it. I can certainly see some similarities.
So, this is how I'm feeling. I love my son with all of my heart and it is my heart that breaks for him a little more each day. I don't know if I can bare it. He is 11 years old now and his life has not been easy. He was diagnosed at age four with PDD NOS, age five with Autism and age 6 with Asperger's Syndrome. When he was younger he seemed happy, quiet, and at times, distant, but happy. He has always had sensory integration issues. Certain noises like the dryer buzzer or the sound of the vacumn cleaner cause him great pain. He was not and still isn't very coordinated so playing sports was not something he really wanted to do, but yet when he took swimming lessons last summer he mastered the breast stroke within minutes after learning it. His coach was so amazed by him. Did you know he can calendar count? Give him any date in the past, present or future and he can tell you what day it was, is or shall be. Even though I know he is really smart, he does not think so. His grades in school are poor, he has no friends and communication is so hard for him. He asked recently if "he would always be this way?" (very insightful if you ask me). He told me one day that he just can't find the words. He sees everything in pictures. He can't process conversations or things that he reads. Kids make fun of him, teachers are frustrated with him, people in public make rude comments about him. Being in public can be hard for him, the sounds, smells, sights can be overwhelming and he becomes loud and sometimes angry. People look at us and whisper. He does not understand what he is doing to offend others and many times he isn't doing anything wrong, he just responds to some things differently than most. When he cries Lord, his tears flow like a river. His cries are deep from way down in his soul. I hear him crying in his room at night. His best friend is his cat. He tells her how lonely he is. I don't know what to do any more God. Time is soaring past us and today I feel my hope dwindling yet again.
I don't understand why this has happened in our lives. I don't know what my purpose is for this situation. The pain of watching my own beautiful son struggle becomes unbearable at times. I am living my life on the verge of tears. I constantly ask myself if I am doing everything possible to help my son. What am I missing? I don't think I am handling things very well. I can not fix what is broken. He is so amazing and funny and creative and beautiful and .... Can you understand how hard it is to be ridiculed, misunderstood, whispered about? Of couse you can. You felt all of the pain I feel as a Father for his son.
Hmmm? What's that? Who chose his name? Well, I did. I never thought I would have any more children. I had prayed for another son, remember? Matthew is the name that came to me and it was the only name I would consider. The meaning of his name? Yes, I know, it means.....Gift from God.
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning" (James 1:17).
I understand God, I get it. Just as you gifted the world with your beautiful and perfect son, you have also gifted me with my own. I would not have him be any other way. Thanks for spending time with me and listening to my heart. It feels much lighter now. Oh and God, thank you for my gift, my inspiring, amazing son, my Matthew.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Waiting to Exhale...
It feels like I have been holding my breathe for a very long time. A long deep breathe that causes my heart to race, my palms to sweat and my head to spin. I remember when I took that last great gasp of air, it was when my first son, Bryan, was born. I was terrified of becoming a mother. I had no clue how to be one and the thought of being responsible for anyone other than myself was quite daunting. I was terribly young and niave and he was so tiny, barely six pounds. He reminded me of a little frog. He was due on Valentines Day but waited a little longer and came into this world effortlessly on February 18, 1985. I distinctly remember the very moment when my beautiful, perfect son was placed in my arms and I fell deeply, passionately, madly in love. My concerns melted away along with my heart. He took my breathe away.
I was adopted as an infant. My birth mother was forbidden by her step mother to keep me. At that time in the early 60's it was quite unacceptable to be an unwed mother. Although my birth mom and dad had planned to marry, life threw some curves and I was adopted from the Children's Home Society in August of 1964. I can not imagine the heartbreak my birth mother experienced. Her love for me was immeasureable.
Growing up I had a difficult relationship with my adoptive mom, the only mom I ever knew. She was a sensitive, loving, talented woman but her insecurities cast a shadow over her life that she could not seem to escape. As she slowly spiraled into a world of alcohol abuse our roles of mother and child reversed and I became the caretaker at the tender age of 14. I was constantly seeking my mothers approval, always looking for a way to engage her in my life somehow. There was a huge void in my heart, the need for my mothers love was so great. I did not understand what I was doing wrong. I blamed myself for her lack of interest in me. I had convinced myself at an early age that I must be to stupid, to fat and to ugly to be loved and accepted by her. What else could it be? At that time I did not realize that it was her past that haunted her and it was her insecurity caused by years of abuse as a child herself that caused the barrier between us.
I became pregnant at twenty years of age, still a baby myself in many ways. I had such mixed emotions about motherhood, never having that relationship I so craved made me feel inadequate. It was during my pregnancy that my mom was diagnosed with bone cancer. It was just a matter of time and I was devastated. Never one to give up easily I continued to seek out my mothers affection or at the very least, a little attention. As my belly grew I noticed that my mom started calling me more. She started giving motherly advice, she started showing concern for my well being. It was during this time that I started to see a real relationship begin to bloom between my mom and me. I will never forget the day that I was helping her around her apartment. It was late and we were both tired. She was watching me intently, not saying a word, just watching. She had a look in her eyes, one of so much pain. She crossed the room and gently laid her hand upon my belly. Her eyes were moist with the tears she was trying to hold back and she asked quietly "What's it like? What's it like to have a baby in there? I could never carry a child of my own. I have always felt like I was less of a woman because of it, I have no idea what it is like. Can you tell me?" This was the moment I had waited for my entire life, the opening to a long conversation with my mom. A conversation filled with many questions and answers, the one that started the healing process in both of our lives, the one that said I love you and I forgive you.
As I look back I realize that it was my unborn child who initiated the beginning of the healing process in my relationship with my mother, it was my son Bryan that introduced me to a love that I had never experienced before but have been blessed with two more times in my other children, Matthew and Emma and it is my son Bryan who took my breathe away for the first time 27 years ago that inevitably changed my life for the better. I still feel my heart race when I see yet another goal he has reached or get a glimpse of the man he is becoming. My palms sweat when I hear of bad news in his neighborhood, always concerned for his safety. My head spins at the the time that has passed so quickly and I find myself yearning to hold my son at 5, 8 and 12 years old just one more time. He continues to take my breathe away and for that I am truly grateful.
Happy Birthday Bryan
I Love You,
Mom
I was adopted as an infant. My birth mother was forbidden by her step mother to keep me. At that time in the early 60's it was quite unacceptable to be an unwed mother. Although my birth mom and dad had planned to marry, life threw some curves and I was adopted from the Children's Home Society in August of 1964. I can not imagine the heartbreak my birth mother experienced. Her love for me was immeasureable.
Growing up I had a difficult relationship with my adoptive mom, the only mom I ever knew. She was a sensitive, loving, talented woman but her insecurities cast a shadow over her life that she could not seem to escape. As she slowly spiraled into a world of alcohol abuse our roles of mother and child reversed and I became the caretaker at the tender age of 14. I was constantly seeking my mothers approval, always looking for a way to engage her in my life somehow. There was a huge void in my heart, the need for my mothers love was so great. I did not understand what I was doing wrong. I blamed myself for her lack of interest in me. I had convinced myself at an early age that I must be to stupid, to fat and to ugly to be loved and accepted by her. What else could it be? At that time I did not realize that it was her past that haunted her and it was her insecurity caused by years of abuse as a child herself that caused the barrier between us.
I became pregnant at twenty years of age, still a baby myself in many ways. I had such mixed emotions about motherhood, never having that relationship I so craved made me feel inadequate. It was during my pregnancy that my mom was diagnosed with bone cancer. It was just a matter of time and I was devastated. Never one to give up easily I continued to seek out my mothers affection or at the very least, a little attention. As my belly grew I noticed that my mom started calling me more. She started giving motherly advice, she started showing concern for my well being. It was during this time that I started to see a real relationship begin to bloom between my mom and me. I will never forget the day that I was helping her around her apartment. It was late and we were both tired. She was watching me intently, not saying a word, just watching. She had a look in her eyes, one of so much pain. She crossed the room and gently laid her hand upon my belly. Her eyes were moist with the tears she was trying to hold back and she asked quietly "What's it like? What's it like to have a baby in there? I could never carry a child of my own. I have always felt like I was less of a woman because of it, I have no idea what it is like. Can you tell me?" This was the moment I had waited for my entire life, the opening to a long conversation with my mom. A conversation filled with many questions and answers, the one that started the healing process in both of our lives, the one that said I love you and I forgive you.
As I look back I realize that it was my unborn child who initiated the beginning of the healing process in my relationship with my mother, it was my son Bryan that introduced me to a love that I had never experienced before but have been blessed with two more times in my other children, Matthew and Emma and it is my son Bryan who took my breathe away for the first time 27 years ago that inevitably changed my life for the better. I still feel my heart race when I see yet another goal he has reached or get a glimpse of the man he is becoming. My palms sweat when I hear of bad news in his neighborhood, always concerned for his safety. My head spins at the the time that has passed so quickly and I find myself yearning to hold my son at 5, 8 and 12 years old just one more time. He continues to take my breathe away and for that I am truly grateful.
Happy Birthday Bryan
I Love You,
Mom
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