Letters to God~ Finding Time

Dear God,

I don't really know where to begin this letter. I talk to you quite a bit throughout the day anyway or do I? I thought I did but in reflecting on my day today I realize that you barely even got a "good morning" from me much less any inclusion into the events of my day. Everyday, including the weekends, seem to start off harried. It doesn't even matter how early I get up, as I am seldom, if ever, on time. My mornings consist of feeding kids, cats and a dog, trying to match socks, find homework, check the weather and trying very hard to stay on task. As you know, I am easily distracted by a hair ball in the hallway or the toaster that was left out from morning breakfast. I keep finding myself distracted by everything. The only thing I am not distracted by is preparing for my day. My son has absolutely no interest in school. As a child with Autism school is extremely difficult for him and he shares this with me in his morning greeting. "Good Morning Matthew!" I say. "I hate school" he groans. Deep breathe on my part, moving on to my daughter. Fortunately for me she has a better outlook on school but still wants Mommy's help with what to eat, what to wear and everything in between. Do you find us comical in the mornings Lord as we stumble on top of each other racing to the bus stop? I am sure when you greet me in the mornings I am barely aware. I take notice of little except the ticking clock.

The duties of my day job, juggling doctor's appoinments for my son, housecleaning, homework, dinner, grocery shopping, taking out the trash, feeding the cats and a dog again, working on the non profit I just started, trying to get the kids in bed at a decent time only to fall into bed exhausted myself, it is a never ending cycle. As I take two seconds to look at my schedule I notice that I have not dedicated time for us. Actually, I am amazed I find any time with you at all. A quick prayer under my breathe does not constitute a full fledged relationship. As a matter of fact, I had no idea that from a relationship perspective, ours would be labeled "its complicated" on Facebook!

As our world is right now, everything moves at such a fast pace. From fast food to instant everything, life is hurry, hurry, hurry. A relationship can be fast but those types are usually quite shallow, only on the surface. It takes time to get to know someone. I realize that you know me better than anyone. You knew me before I was born and you have been with me every step of my life. It is my yearning to know you that brings me to this first letter. I want to know who you are. I want to know your character, what makes you smile. I want to sit at your feet as Mary did and listen to your heart. I want a Mary heart in a Martha world. Time to take this relationship to the next level. Time to commit to spending time together. I am not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination, however I will make our date for before sunrise. I believe it is the only time I can get right now to call ours. I will ask you though, if you would, prepare the way for me to have some quiet time? Help me to alleviate the unneccessary clutter from life so that I not only can spend quality time with you but also with my children. Help me to say no when neccessary and to use the time I am given each day wisely. Help me to stay focused and on task and help me to know you.

"If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so that I may know you"
Exodus 33:13

I may be a little slow in the morning but I will be there...

Love,
Your Daughter
                   Robin

Waiting to Exhale...

It feels like I have been holding my breathe for a very long time. A long deep breathe that causes my heart to race, my palms to sweat and my head to spin. I remember when I took that last great gasp of  air, it was when my first son, Bryan, was born. I was terrified of becoming a mother. I had no clue how to be one and the thought of being responsible for anyone other than myself was quite daunting. I was terribly young and niave and he was so tiny, barely six pounds. He reminded me of a little frog. He was due on Valentines Day but waited a little longer and came into this world  effortlessly on February 18, 1985.  I distinctly remember the very moment  when my beautiful, perfect son was placed in my arms and I fell deeply, passionately, madly in love. My concerns melted away along with my heart. He took my breathe away.

I was adopted as an infant. My birth mother was forbidden by her step mother to keep me. At that time in the early 60's it was quite unacceptable to be an unwed mother. Although my birth mom and dad had planned to marry, life threw some curves and I was adopted from the Children's Home Society in August of 1964. I can not imagine the heartbreak my birth mother experienced. Her love for me was immeasureable.

Growing up I had a difficult relationship with my adoptive mom, the only mom I ever knew. She was a sensitive, loving, talented woman but her insecurities cast a shadow over her life that she could not seem to escape. As she slowly spiraled into a world of alcohol abuse our roles of mother and child reversed and I became the caretaker at the tender age of 14. I was constantly seeking my mothers approval, always looking for a way to engage her in my life somehow. There was a huge void in my heart, the need for my mothers love was so great. I did not understand what I was doing wrong. I blamed myself for her lack of interest in me. I had convinced myself at an early age that I must be to stupid, to fat and to ugly to be loved and accepted by her. What else could it be? At that time I did not realize that it was her past that haunted her and it was her insecurity caused by years of abuse as a child herself that caused the barrier between us.

I became pregnant at twenty years of age, still a baby myself in many ways. I had such mixed emotions about motherhood, never having that relationship I so craved made me feel inadequate. It was during my pregnancy that my mom was diagnosed with bone cancer. It was just a matter of time and I was devastated. Never one to give up easily I continued to seek out my mothers affection or at the very least, a little attention.  As my belly grew I noticed that my mom started calling me more. She started giving motherly advice, she started showing concern for my well being. It was during this time that I started to see a real relationship begin to bloom between my mom and me. I will never forget the day that I was helping her around her apartment. It was late and we were both tired. She was watching me intently, not saying a word, just watching. She had a look in her eyes, one of so much pain. She crossed the room and gently laid her hand upon my belly. Her eyes were moist with the tears she was trying to hold back and she asked quietly "What's it like? What's it like to have a baby in there? I could never carry a child of my own. I have always felt like I was less of a woman because of it, I have no idea what it is like. Can you tell me?" This was the moment I had waited for my entire life, the opening to a long conversation with my mom. A conversation filled with many questions and answers, the one that started the healing process in both of our lives, the one that said I love you and I forgive you.

As I look back I realize that it was my unborn child who initiated the beginning of the healing process in my relationship with my mother, it was my son Bryan that introduced me to a love that I had never experienced before but have been blessed with two more times in my other children, Matthew and Emma and it is my son Bryan who took my breathe away for the first time 27 years ago that inevitably changed my life for the better. I still feel my heart race when I see yet another goal he has reached or get a glimpse of the man he is becoming. My palms sweat when I hear of bad news in his neighborhood, always concerned for his safety. My head spins at the the time that has passed so quickly and I find myself yearning to hold my son at 5, 8 and 12 years old just one more time. He continues to take my breathe away and for that I am truly grateful.

Happy Birthday Bryan
I Love You,
Mom